Saturday, December 29, 2007

Mr. & Mrs. Smith


A breath of fresh air, blowing away the musty stench of Knocked Up, the Smiths breeze in and kick ass in this slightly slow in places, but ultimately entertaining romp. (shit word, but apt)

The chemistry between our two protagonists clearly shows why they ended up getting together of screen, Vince Vaughn is not completely irritating, and one scene is pretty funny, some of the stunts are awesome (see: car chase) and all in all it's a bloody entertaining film.

Mr. & Mrs. Smith - 7/10 (almost 8)

Knocked Up


  • YAWN!
  • BOOOOOORRRRRRIIIINNNNGGG!!!
  • Can someone PLEASE tell Seth Rogan to STFU!!
  • Annoying snorty laugh
  • Just not funny
  • Far too long
  • boring 'dramatic' scenes
  • who gives a shit about any of the characters in this abortion of a film (topical pun)
  • make it stop!
Wanna know why it got 3/10?? Jonah's line about pube shaving, but I'd suggest just go through the Memorable Quotes on imdb rather than watch this shit awful film.

Changed my mind...

Knocked Up - 2/10

1408


1408, yet another film based on a Steven King story, starts off pretty well, a little slow, but pretty low key, introduces Mike Enslin (John Cusack), our main character, well. Mike's a writer (really Steve? Wouldn't have expected that!!), one that's not doing too hot, events have turned him from "serious" writer to a guy who writes books about various haunted places, in this instance hotels.

And so leads us to room 1408 at the Dolphin hotel in New York and Mike, ever the skeptic, settles in for the night, despite the warnings from the motherfucking hotel manager, played by Sam L Jackson (see what I did there?!).

Still, going ok, a little slow, but we're getting to the meat now, shit starts going down and Mike begins to wig out.

Now it starts to flounder.

Mike seems to lose it a little too quickly, one minute he's just starting to get rattled, the next he's a gibbering wreck, but so far the 'scares' are still pretty low key, the whole thing is taking place in the hotel room and starting to give a nice sense of claustrophobia and creepyness. ("Hotels are a naturally creepy place")

Then the set pieces kick in and it all goes overboard, jumps about and by the end of the film I was left disappointed. 1408 is a film that pretends to know what makes an interesting horror film then descends into overacting and The Haunting territory, shite. And as for 'scares', well there's one near the end as the decent build up doesn't last long enough.

1408 - 5/10

Saturday, December 15, 2007

The Departed


Marty finally one his Oscar for this his 42nd directed work and an adaptation from a Hong Kong masterpiece.

The Departed, is an absolute mess, it really only makes any vague sense to me because I've got all three Infernal Affairs films on DVD (and they're hard to follow!). The editing is all over the place, some scenes feel like they've been cut short and left with lines missing that would take them to their natural conclusion, other parts just plain suck.

The performances however are astounding, on all parts.. well except possibly Martin Sheen, but then his character's not as developed as it could be, and to be fair, the performances are the only thing that kept me watching.

The story, whilst still quite complex, has lost some of the subtleties and well... good aspects of it's Hong Kong predecessor, and has been made more of a traditional thriller... maybe cos we're all dumb? :/

Best Picture this ain't, several outstanding acting turns though.


Scream


Ahhh Wes Craven, one of the godfathers of horror, bringining us such 'classics' as Last House on The Left, A Nightmare On Elm Street and The Hills Have Eyes.

Ahhh Kevin Williamson, bringing us such classics as Dawson's Creek...um...

I'm not really a huge fan of Wes Craven, Elm St is ok but generally laughable, I preferred the remake of The Hills Have Eyes (ok flame me) and I think I'm just a few years too late to really enjoy his work.

Scream however is pretty much a masterpiece.

The opening sequence is AWESOME, in fact it is truly one of those sequences that you forget how good it is. The whole premise of the film is pretty solid, Kevin Williamson, must've just looked at all the horror stuff that had been released, realised how formulaic it had all become and then a light bulb lit up above his head.

Scream successfully plays both to and against the 'horror formula' in beautiful fashion and the ultimate twist was pretty damn good.

Scream 2 was ok, Scream 3 was a pile of steaming shite.

Scream - 9/10

Saturday, December 08, 2007

Lady In The Water


The reviews for this when it came out, sucked.

Partly in fact because of the film critic character and his fate. I've kinda put off watching this because of those reviews, while, The Sixth Sense is a classic and Unbreakable is awesome, Signs was weak, and in my view The Village was a pile of shite.

So, while it looked intriguing, I really wasn't sure. Once again, Sky movies has come to the rescue (Scream's on after and I haven't seen that in ages!!).

Lady In The Water is basically a fairy tale, magical creatures, a heavy moral message, fantasy stuff, all set within an apartment complex. Our lead protagonist is Cleveland Heep, the complex manager/janitor.. supervisor (that's the one), played brilliantly by Paul Giamatti, and I mean BRILLIANTLY!

Bryce Dallas Howard is the Lady from the title, and all manner of other characters inhabit the complex. They're all pretty standard character cliches, but I think it serves it's purpose.
The film is pretty predictable, I could see which were going to be the key characters from the outset (although 1 caught me out, I'll let you worry about which), but it's an entertaining film none the less.

Not a masterpiece and not his best by any means, but well worth a look.


Tuesday, November 27, 2007

xXx: The Next Level


Or xXx: State of the Union (etc etc), what is it with these films with all the different titles??? What's the reasoning, is there some small British arthouse film called xXx: State of the Union? I doubt that somehow.

Anyway... xXx2, no Vin Diesel, welcome on board Ice Cube, still got Sam Jackson, still got the lame 'Q' character.
Lots of explosions, lots of 'Boyz in da hood' type stuff contrasting the stuffy 'white suits'... ahhh stereotypes..

There's not a lot going on really, corrupt politicians, navy seals, Ice Cube, it's almost terrible but not quite, but it probably would have been better with Vin Diesel (and a better script).

Die Hard 4.0 (Live Free or Die Hard)


Die Hard is a classic, it re-defined the action genre at the time, it also redefined the action hero with Bruce Willis' John McClane bucking the trend of the invincible muscle men and introducing a certain humanity and fallibility to the action hero. (I hope fallibility is right)

Now a few sequels and many years down the line we have Die Hard 4.0 (which I think is the better of the two titles), more terrorism and more 'wrong place wrong time' (reasonably well referenced) and a new sidekick in the shape of Justin Long.

This time Timothy Olyphant is bringing America to it's knees by hacking all the major computer systems and getting rid of any loose ends along the way... this is where Bruce and Justin come in.

To try and keep the "Everyman" aspect the makers bring in McClane's daughter Lucy (the apparently hot new young thing Mary Elizabeth Winstead), which is actually quite a nice touch, but I think they go overboard with the exposition about "John the reluctant hero", which crops up in most of the Bruce-Justin scenes.

The film's a tad too long, Len Wiseman's directing (and subsequent editing) is at times erratic and unsure (how many angles to we need for one conversation???), but the action and stunts in this are blistering! Causing both myself and my girlfriend to exclaim when various henchmen get suitably and painfully wasted, and certain sequences left me dumbfounded from a technical POV...

...such as the ones with one particular henchman, the token free-runner.

After The Matrix, it was all about Bullet Time, now after District 13 and Casino Royale it's all about Parkour (Free-Running), and DH4.0 has some of the best I've seen, showcasing it with some of the best camera choreography I've seen as well. Watch it if just for these pieces!

So! Overall, bloody entertaining, not quite on the same level as the first (or 3rd) but not bad at all. Things may be starting to look up for Len?? (*may*)


Die Hard 4.0 - 7/10

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Vacancy


Earlier this year (and I think at the end of last year) cam a whole load of horror films. Spurred on by Saw and Hostel, everyone started churning out gratuitously violent and gory 'horrors', Vacancy stands out as being one that came out around that time, but tries a little harder.

Luke Wilson (can't shake the comedy) and Kate Beckinsale (very annoying) area troubled couple on their way to..somewhere (can't remember) and in age old movie tradition, David (Luke) has taken a "short cut".

So now they're driving out in the middle of nowhere, they have some car trouble and the rest of the film you've seen before.

10/10 for effort, with all the 'Torture Porn' that's been released recently, at least Vacancy makes a stab at being a half decent horror, the problem is, it's Horror by numbers.

1. Cranky protagonists
2. Isolation
3. Dodgy petrol/gas station & motel
4. Quirky and suspicious gas station/motel owners
etc etc

It's just too predicatable, one bit I had to really hold myself back from shouting out what was gonna happen next (only because my girlfriend clearly didn't see it coming!), Beckinsale is pretty damn irritating, more so when she's not supposed to be and the audience is supposed to warm to her (come back Underworld all is forgiven) but Luke injects some well needed light relief with their troubled-couple banter.

Vacancy does forgo some of the horror identikit, however it probably could've benefited from one particular zombie film's key moment.

Also the direction/editing could do with a bit of work in places, think Wolf Creek/28 Days Later "Look they're alone" crimes and lingering a little too long when we really could move on cos WE'VE GOT THE POINT NOW! an abrupt ending doesn't help it either. Chances are this is better than a lot of what came out at the time though.


Vacancy - 5/10

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Zodiac


It's been bloody ages since I've had the chance to sit down and watch a film, like properly watch one, rather than just catching a bit of one on Zone Horror or something ;)

Anyways, Zodiac, the latest offering from one of my favourite directors David Fincher.

It's a long old film, clocking in at around a week and 3.5 days, it meanders along at a steady and meaningful pace. Beautifully so.

Despite it's length there's so many things about Zodiac that i just love, and those things keep me wanting more from Fincher.

Unfortunately it's rather late and I'm pretty tired, so I'll probably come back and edit this one, but I just wanted to get something posted since I've been so busy of late.

Set aside an evening and hire out Zodiac, that's all I can say right now. That and Mark Ruffalo practically IS Vincent D'Onofrio!

[edit]

Ok back for a little more...

Zodiac is NOT a serial killer movie, it's a story about obsession, it shows the ensemble protagonists becoming more and more embroiled and obsessed with the Zodiac and the killings, each one searching for the answer(s), each to the detriment of their own lives.

It's a brilliant film, possibly one that you have to be in the mood for, not in a Visitor Q way, but more being prepared to go the long haul.

Zodiac - 9/10

Friday, September 14, 2007

Minority Report


Another re-watch. Probably one of the better Philip K. Dick adaps that's been done and one of Cruise's better films.

Dealing with the Department of Pre-Crime, which is based around 3 pre-cogs who predict murders, the system is supposedly perfect (yeah right!)

So, clearly things go awry and The Teeth is caught in the middle of it and has to sort things out, not much else to say, Colin Farrell is quite good, in fact overall it's just a good, easy going sci-fi thriller.


Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Snakes On A Plane


It's terrible, really really bad, but there are some funny bits.
I think everybody knows by now that it's about Sam Jackson having enough of these muthafuckin snakes on this muthafuckin plane, and pretty soon after it came out everybody had enough of the hype and realised it was shite.

The pilot is funny, one bit made me jump, some of the bites are pretty gruesome.

Personally I recommend Eight Legged Freaks.

Monday, September 03, 2007

Unleashed


An uninspiring advertising campaign and the teaming of  Jet Li and Bob Hoskins encouraged me to avoid this one for quite some time, however...

Just watched it on Sky and it's actually not bad. I mean I'm not really a Jet Li fan, I'm more of a Jackie Chan guy and more recently Tony Jaa (who kicks fucking ass), but the fact that the opening credits told me that it's written by Luc Besson was a surprise and intrigued me.

Well... it's pretty good, Li plays essentially a simpleton, who's only purpose in life is to beat the shit out of people for Bob Hoskins (imagine!), it's called "Danny The Dog" in other territories so you get the idea, anyway there's the usual, awakenings and stuff to give it some sort of purpose higher than that of a JCVD movie, and Besson's writing has a bit of a 5th element feel towards the climax, and was and enjoyable watch. Oh an Morgan Freeman plays a blind guy, need I say more?

Unleashed - 7/10

Sunday, September 02, 2007

Sunshine


Danny Boyle's a bit hit and miss as far as I'm concerned;

Trainspotting - Hit
A Life Less Ordinary - Surface damage
The Beach - Miss apparently
28 Days Later - Miss
Millions - Um...
and now Sunshine...

It's basically Alien, but of all the films that have tried to emulate Alien over the years this is probably the best I've seen so far.

It's 2057 and there's a problem with the sun, some sort of quantum thing has buggered it and it's not chucking out as much energy, thus the Earth is stuck in a "Solar Winter" (as opposed to...), so the Icarus 2 is sent to the sun with a crew of 8 and a fission bomb with the mass of Manhattan to restart the Sun. (So we've got a little bit of The Core in there too) and Icarus you'll remember from Greek mythology died because he got too close to the sun.

It's an ensemble piece, and although billed alphabetically I think everyone knows Cillian Murphy is the lead, he plays Capa the ship's physicist, the guy in charge of the bomb. Other crew members include Mace the engineer, played by Chris Evans, which I think was surprising to pretty much everyone and to be fair, he's very good in it, the rest of the multi-national/racial crew (none of this cold war or US only stuff!) are very well played.

En route to the Sun they come across the distress signal (Alien) of the Icarus 1 that disappeared seven years ago (Event Horizon), now they must weigh up the choice between continuing on their current mission or investigating the Icarus 1...cue everything going wrong.

Sunshine clearly doesn't do anything overly original, in all the press stuff I saw for it one of Danny's main points was that nobody's been to the Sun before, yes and no if I may point out Star Trek IV: They Voyage Home and it's inspiring TOS episode, they didn't land on it no, but it's close enough, however what it does do, it does pretty well, there's tension, good character conflict, and it's pretty realistic from a technical point of view (they had to take some dramatic liberties such as artificial gravity for instance). It's a bit slow in it's mid section at times, but overall it's a good film.

Ridley Scott recently stated (for the Blade Runner re-re-re-re-re-release I think) that Sci-Fi is dead, nobody can do anything original with sci-fi. And without getting into a big rant about the overall originality of cinema, he's right to a degree, but what Sunshine does is take proven sci-fi elements and works them, well.



Sunshine - 8/10

Saturday, September 01, 2007

Inside I'm Dancing


A comedy drama about two disabled guys, first thought could be funny for the wrong reasons, then you watch it and, yet again a British film surprises everyone in being actually quite good, touching, funny, both James McAvoy and Steven Robertson are brilliant and although it's not entirely the sort of film I'd watch on a regular basis it's still a good watch.

Why is it that most really good British films are the ones that the average audience won't actually pick up to watch??


The Mullet Uncut


Um....

Um....

Um....

It's not on IMDb, go watch something on YouTube instead

The Mullet Uncut - 0/10

Friday, August 31, 2007

Blades of Glory


Unfortunatly I've seen Stranger Than Fiction, so until Will Ferrell does something along those lines again, nothing will be as good.

Blades is the sort of comedy you'd expect from a Will Ferrell film, along similar lines to Anchorman and presumably Talladega Nights (haven't seen that yet), cocky arrogant Ferrell finds new humility etc.

In this he's paired with Napoleon Dynamite, sorry Jon Heder (does he play anyone else?) as two rival figure skaters who are banned from the sport only to find a way back in by forming a pairs team. Cue homo erotic jokes and.. well thats' pretty much it. There's some love interest between Heder and Jenna Fischer's character, sister of the scheming Van Waldenbergs, there's the usual amount of comedy commentary from the sports commentators, and general slapstick.

It's not great, but that said, there are some pretty funny moments.


Blades of Glory - 6/10

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Hellboy Animated: Blood & Iron


Apparently this is the second full length Hellboy Animated, the first being Sword of Storms, that I have yet to see and apparently isn't as good, but I'll find out at some point.

The animated version of big red uses the voices of most of the same actors from the movie, notably Ron Pearlman and Selma Blair, the actual animation doesn't have quite the same atmosphere as the comics, but does a pretty good job, bear in mind a lot of what's in the comics is just black.

We have a mix of a non-traditional vampire story, mixed with some good old fashioned god bashing and a Memento style flashback sequence showing the background to the vampire story and Professor Broom's first adventure.

Basically it works really well, the pace lacks occasionally but overall, it's Hellboy through and through, perfectly capturing the spirit of the comics and as in the live action (which took me a couple of viewings to come around to) Ron Pearlman IS Hellboy.


Hellboy Animated: Blood & Iron - 8/10

Flushed Away


While Flushed Away didn't receive a lot of acclaim when it was released and many felt that the CGI characters don't capture the same sort of atmosphere or charm as their claymation counterparts, it's still a very entertaining and humorous film.

It follows Roddy, a pet rat, who gets flushed down a toilet and ends up in the sewer, discovers some new friends and blah blah blah etc. The usual stuff.

The real stars of the show are the many slugs that loiter around, Le Frog and is Hench Frogs and Whitey. The main characters are fine enough but at the end of the day the background stuff is far more entertaining.

Flushed Away - 8/10

Sunday, August 26, 2007

The Evil Dead


It's about time I got around to typing up something on this (and the other two, which will come).

The Evil Dead trilogy is an all time classic, it's up there with The Godfather Trilogy, The original Star Wars, it's iconic, and not even a proper trilogy.

This one's the original, the actual horror film, one of the original "Video Nasties" and still damn scary. It's very rare that one of these older horrors actually scares me but Evil Dead does, it's one nasty, horrible, grotesque film that really hits the spot, until the plasticine comes in that is, then it kinda loses it's edge.

There's none of the slapstick humour of the subsequent two (although there's a couple of points where Bruce almost goes three stooges), it's made as a pure horror film and it does it's job.

Ash is also a different character in this one, not so kick ass, it's good to watch even if just to compare to '2 and oh how they'll ruin the heritage with the new remake.


The Evil Dead - 9/10

Thursday, August 23, 2007

11:14


Bit of a spoiler here, but had to be to illustrate my point. I recommend watching this tho, so feel free to before you read this if you're sensitive to the whole spoiler thing.

Literally out of nowhere came this, I think there was a trailer for it on The Contract DVD, my girlfriend pointed out that it had Elliot in it, and then randomly i read something about it on a website (linked from Digg I think) that said it was actually pretty good, we saw it in the video shop (why aren't they DVD shops? or do kids of today call them that?) and hired it out (over The Messengers and Blades Of Glory).

Surprise surprise, it IS actually pretty good, it's really entertaining, all the cast put in really good turns as each of the quirky characters and it's got quite an interesting plot, looking at pretty much one moment in time (11:14pm) and the events leading up to that from the different people's perspectives.

Then it ends.

What I mean by that is, everything's ticking along nicely, various things are left around and then tied up with the other characters, things cleverly link together to create the overall story, but then all of a sudden it ends, once all the stories are linked, it just ends, nothing is really resolved from a "why is it happening" stance and you're left feeling thoroughly entertained yet a little empty.

For Greg Marcks ' debut feature, it's pretty good, he writes characters well andknows how to cleverly link stuff, he just needs to figure out why and he should be pretty damn good. Watch it anyway, it's pretty entertaining.

11:14 - 7/10

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Sense and Sensibility


Here goes...

I really like this movie.

There I said it, call me a weeping girl pansy if you will, but this was a highly entertaining film.

Clearly it's not something I'd ordinarily choose to watch, after all it's an English Period Drama, basically a Rom-Com and features Hugh Grant in it's leading credits. In other words; Hell.

I'm watching it for work, hence why I've arrived at it, picked up the Collector's Edition (I'm sure the re-release will be better nudge-nudge), got home and sat myself down ready to have my mind numbed.

Of course, that didn't happen, it's not Hell, far from it in fact. It's a delightful (I said I'm not a girl) and touching piece that made me laugh, cry and place a seed in my head to watch Pride & Prejudice and not just the special features this time.

Hugh Grant was actually quite good, Alan Rickman was brilliant as usual, the twee Englishness of it all wasn't annoying (although some of the editing was) and to be fair I can see why it earned those 7 Ocsar Noms. It's not everybody's cup of tea, my girlfriend won't be tempted for example, but an eye opener and a fresh departure from the usual stuffy period fare. (Apparently that's what Austen's like, but I'm more of a Crichton/Koontz man myself)


Sense and Sensibility - 8/10

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home


One of the good things about the pre-TNG films is that, from 2 to 5, they carry on directly from one another with narrative points carrying over from one to the other and a relatively close timeline. The main examples of this are 2, 3 and 4 and even though the main plot of The Voyage Home is completely detached we start and wrap up directly following the Search For Spock and Spock's return is touched upon throughout.

Basically, it's a stupid film, sending up themselves and everything about Trek, and they love it. So do I.

They fix up their beat up Klingon Bird Of Prey and head back to Earth, unfortunately there's a big old probe emanating high frequency whale song that's vapourising the oceans, time to slingshot around the sun, go back to the 80's and pick up a couple of Humpback Whales to bring back to the future, say Hi to the probe and save the world.

The film is funny, entertaining, has some classic moments, throws in some ludicrous "science" and is one of the best Star Trek films you can watch, whether you like Trek or not.


Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home - 8/10

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier


One of the worst of the series and probably the worst of TOS cast ones (although it's been a while since I've seen The Motion Picture).

The Enterprise is hijacked by Sybok, Spock's half-brother and sets out to find God, which could be quite good, but in fact is a bit shit. There's a couple of good moment with the key crew, but overall the comedy elements feel forced (even the classic "I know this ship like the back of my hand") and the narrative is just too flimsy.

Oh and Shatner directed, so not the best.


Star Trek V: The Final Frontier - 4/10

Friday, August 10, 2007

Star Trek: Nemesis


Well this one's got a bit more meat to it, more than Insurrection at least. Apparently this was the least successful film in the Star Trek franchise, considering what poor efforts both Insurrection and The Final Frontier are this is actually rather surprising.

It's officially the final outing for TNG crew and they do try and go out with a bang. The Nemesis of the title is Praetor Shinzon, and the focus shifts towards the Romulans/Remans as the prime enemy for the film.

The Enterprise is sent to Romulus under false pretenses and soon discovers a sinister plot to destroy Earth, well at least all organic life on it anyway.

There's a few crappy plot devices and again too much time is spent dwelling on aspects of the main characters that aren't really of any consequence, sometimes combining the both.

And again I wish that Trek would go just a little darker, they set up quite an interesting plot with Shinzon, but fail to insert any real sense of jeopardy for those involved and one of the main character related events is not left on a down beat, which it could've done.

But overall, better than over-worthy (I know it's Trek) Insurrection and left me wondering about the accuracy of the people flying around the bridge when the ship gets shot. (think about the artificial gravity...geek)


Star Trek: Nemesis - 6/10

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Star Trek: Insurrection


With this one Jonathan Frakes takes the helm again (both off and on screen) and as with The Undiscovered Country they try to throw a bit of conspiracy into the mix, unfortunately it doesn't do as well.

Too much emphasis on the Enterprise crew and not enough on creating a well written conspiracy thriller, which, despite being Star Trek, it could've done.

A couple of minor twists, a big scoop of gung-ho and too much faffing about with crew relationships and Data's pseudo-emotions.


Star Trek: Generations


The 7th Star Trek movie, 5 years after number 6 The Undiscovered Country, designed as a hand over to bridge the original cast and the Next Generation in the movie territory, and what a hand over!

A distinctly minimalist film compared to previous Star Trek fare, we kick off with Kirk and co handing over to a new crew of a new Enterprise (B), they pick up a distress call and during the rescue mission Kirk is lost.

Jump forward 78 years and we're on the Enterprise D with Picard and co, another distress call and another rescue mission. Please welcome to the party Malcolm McDowell and then a bit of time shifting craziness.

Turns out Kirk ended up in this thing called the Nexus which is "like being inside Joy", bit of stuff and now Kirk and Picard together!

More fighting then probably the best moment in Star Trek history, for those who know, well you know, for those that don't, where have you been and watch it.


Tuesday, August 07, 2007

The Castle Of Fu Manchu


Did ANYONE get what the hell was going on in this prime example of 60s/70s classic <ahem> cinema?? 

Christopher Lee as the Fu Manchu of the title, a diabolical villain hell bent on taking over the world and all that has a plot to freeze the oceans or something like that. The film's chock full of general stuff going on that could be summed up in considerably less time, loads of not very interesting characters, random exposition and all very proper English accents. Pure shite.

At does have some minor comedy cheese value, albeit very minor.

The Wasp Woman (1960)


Cheers Zone Horror, need something to watch? You're pretty much ensured to find something here, well if you're ok with shit-good horror films anyway.

This afternoon's viewing was The Wasp Woman, a 1960 Roger Corman effort that wasn't brilliant, but wasn't the worst B&W horror I've ever seen. 

The film revolves around Mr Zinthrop's efforts to harness enzymes from Queen Wasp's royal jelly. When he's fired from his job he gain new employment with a failing cosmetics company and carries on his research with dire consequences!!!!11!

It was a little slow, but acceptable when you consider that it's an old film and directed by the almost Ed Wood like Roger Corman.

Now, when is Zone gonna repeat Humanoids From The Deep!?!


The Contract


I saw this advertised on the telly the other day, along with "Gone", I think anyway, two reasonably major stars, yet straight to DVD it seems, over here at least.

Well we hired it out as my girlfriend refused to watch The Hills Have Eyes 2 :( and I wasn't in a Blades Of Glory mood, I wasn't expecting much and it certainly lived up to my expectations.

The Contract , apart from having a pretty flimsy story line, is cliche world, a pretty much by the numbers 'thriller' barely scraping through on it's straight to DVD release.

And the acting... oh God the acting, I've seen school plays that have better acting than that of most of supporting cast in this film, and Morgan Freeman as a bad guy? Sorry he drove Miss Daisy (any MF bad guy recommendations in the comments pls).

One notch below mediocre.

The Contract - 4/10

Saturday, August 04, 2007

Elektra


It's a TV movie trapped in a cinematic release. Just a bit shit, not really terrible, but a bit shit and dull.

Story is Elektra (who died in Daredevil) is still with us and is an assassin for hire, she gets a new job, has second thoughts ends up having to protect her marks from The Hand, who are all supernatural classic martial arts type people.

Not a lot really happens and thankfully it's only 97mins, feels it too, as it's over pretty quickly, mainly cos not a lot happens, but not in a Wolf Creek way. (Have you figured out how bad I think that film is yet?) The acting is pretty mediocre, the characters dull and overall both Daredevil and Ghost Rider are better, possibly down to the direction I would guess (not thaty they're masterpieces by any stretch).

The best thing to sum up Elektra is "Feh." end of.


Elektra - 3/10

Y'know I could've swore I typed up Daredevil, apparently not, will do that one soon.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Switchblade Romance (Haute Tension)


Most of the way through the film I was thinking that it was a pretty run of the mill, bog standard slasher flick, better than Wolf Creek (although pretty much every other film ever made is better than Wolf BOOOORRRING Creek), but not really doing anything that original apart from making the lead a lesbian that doesn't get naked and get it on with another lead female (had Eli Roth directed it could be a different story).

Then it reaches it's climax, and I was caught unawares. Apparently there are clues throughout, although clearly not in a good Sixth Sense way, as I didn't really pick up on them, there was a bit of one at the top but that's it.

Unfortunately the latter part of the film doesn't really work for me, mainly because when you look back very little of what's happened previous makes any sense in this new context and by the end it still hasn't really done anything that I haven't seen before in other films (I'm not gonna say which cos that'll give it away) and to be perfectly honest the end of Aja's The Hills Have Eyes dicks on this, which it shouldn't.

And thank Christ it's called "Switchblade Romance" over here 'cos "High Tension" sounds like a Van Damme movie!

Monday, July 30, 2007

The Da Vinci Code


Well I've seen worse films, Da Code got pretty slated when it came out and it's no masterpiece to be sure, but it's watchable fare, helped obviously by the casting of Audrey Tatou, although a little weird hearing her English (haven't seen Dirty Pretty Things).

The thing kicks off with a murder in The Louvre, then a good old fashioned Grail quest begins, throwing in a lot of Da Vinci theories and stuff, all of which is pretty by the by and all this stuff happens with priests and monks and French police, blah blah blah, inspiring? No. Controversial? Probably if you're a Jesus fanboy, if not, then no, mildly interesting idea, but that's it.

Tom Hanks does a pretty good job of playing a boring academic with a mild case of mullet, Paul Bettany is pretty creepy and Ian McKellan plays himself again but with a walking issue.
So.. Watchable but, yeah whatever.


Ice Age: The Meltdown


Don't watch a CGI (digimation or whatver you want to call it) film thinking it's going to be as good as a classic Pixar, it's not. Not even the recent Pixars are as good.

IA: TMD has only a vague narrative (Mark Kermode described it as "the death of narrative cinema"), but at the end of the day, it's some pre-historic animals making their way down a valley to escape an impending flood. That's it, does it need anything else? No. It's got some basic character development for some of the main protagonists and some actually quite dark moments and some comic genius at times.

What it's not is Toy Story, what Ice Age: The Meltdown is, is a heartwarming and very entertaining flick.

"I think I coughed up my spleen"


(Next up The Da Vinci Code, cheers mum's Sky Movies premier, cos that means I don't have to pay for it.)

Transformers


MASSIVE FUCKING ROBOTS KICKING THE CRAP OUT OF EACH OTHER AND EVERYTHING ELSE!!!

When Michael Bay was announced as director Transformers fanboys around the world wept into their Optimus Prime pillow cases, I was reasonably indifferent, although some reservations were held, mainly 'cos I saw The Island and am still bitter. (However The Rock rules, despite shredding a Ferrari F355)

Then the main trailers came out and everyone was moist in the pant area.

The Transformers are awesome, simply fucking awesome, the action is awesome, Michael Bay is renowned for his massive action sequences, and the action in this is MASSIVE. Most of the action set pieces have been seen in the trailers, but it makes a hell of a difference being on a big screen (why oh why didn't they release IMAX version!).

The film was surprisingly funny, Shia LaBeouf is REALLY good, that boy is going far (depending on his ability to do full on serious dramatic stuff), Megan Fox will end up in some shite American Pie esque stuff cos she's as vacuous as you'd expect.

The level of comedy was totally unexpected, but it fits. The action scenes are top notch, but as a whole I didn't walk out feeling re-born and like I'd experienced a cinematic reveloution, why?

Two things, 1) It's directed by Michael Bay and 2)The script is mostly bloody awful.

Michael Bay does overblown action and chopper porn, which is ok in itself, but you can't help thinking there's something missing, like soul.
He tries to put in some soul, by using the Transformers and some nauseating dialogue ("Were we so different? They're a young species. They have much to learn. But I've seen goodness in them. Freedom is the right of all sentient beings."), he fails.

This is of course also down to the script and you'd think two writers nurtured somewhat by J.J. Abrams could come up with something a little more meaty. I think they probably could, but fell into the trap of writing for Michael Bay again and also not really knowing where to pitch the film. It's a family film, it's aimed at kids, but they want to make it a bit edgier, I get the impression that Hasbro weren't too keen on that and got them to tone the Autobots back a bit, making them much more like they were in the original series/film, which they are, crappy dialogue, overly righteous and worthy. Can we not have a little bit of inner conflict??

I don't have a problem with the new designs for them, I think they're better in fact, mainly as I'm not a Transformers fanboy. Bumblebee is amazing (until the post climax), Prime is a wuss, like a proper bullied at work wuss and someone tell me the point in Jazz?? (who in exception to my previous statement probably would've looked better as a Porsche)

The film also suffers from King-Kong-itis to a degree at least. The best bits of Kong were the bits (funnily enough) with Kong in, all the rest was toss. In much the same way I went to see a Transformers movie, so if you're gonna make it 144 minutes long (that's over 2 hours people), that best be 144 mins of giant robots kicking the crap out of each other and everything around them. It's not, and while some of the Witwicky stuff is funny, there's a whole load of other crap that is dull, excessive and not massive robots! Basically cut out all the rubbish where they're 'cracking the signal' and stuff and you'll have a much better film.

Most people have complained about the lack of plot. Um. You do know what this film is about don't you? Yes, toys that are supposed to be massive transforming robot beings from space, how much plot do you want?

The plot is of no consequence, but some substance would have been nice, there's plot holes and loose ends and like other Yank films at the moment, too political, but at the end of the day all you need to do is look at the first line of this post, that's why I'll go again on Wednesday to see it with my girlfriend (thanks Orange Wednesdays) and why I'll get the DVD.

Transformers - 7/10

Transformers: The Movie


Oh good lord was this rubbish. It's been sat in my DVD collection for a couple of years, un-watched, mainly as we used it in the display DVD player at Gadgetshop, I think it was left there by someone and I swiped it when the whole business went kaput, I'm not really a fan so I've never really watched it, until now.

Why? Because last night I went and saw the new Michael Bay version (next review) of Transformers, so this morning I thought I'd watch the old cartoon movie to compare (I'll mention that in the other article).

It's around 85 mins...at about 60 mins or so I started typing up my thoughts on The Proposition, that's how engaging it is. I tried, I really did, but it was just too shite for me to keep a full eye on, I watched it all the way through, with MacBook on lap (eyes up, eyes down.. etc). It's rubbish, really bad, dated, crappy writing, none to special animation and plot wise, just a whole bunch of stuff, involving Galactus...sorry Unicron eating planets and most of the original G1 Transformers getting killed or changed.

I vaguely remember watching Transformers the series when I was younger, I had a couple of toys (Blitzwing for example) but none of the really major ones, so it's not really a big part of my life and the movie certainly didn't stir any fond memories that's for sure!

The Proposition


The first surprise was that only the Aborigines sound Australian, this obviously makes sense as it's set way back in the day when Oz was first colonised, so we have predominantly a mix of English and Irish.

We kick off with a bit of a gunfight, Charlie Burns (Guy Pearce) is pinned down and eventually captured with his younger brother Mikey, Captain Stanley (Ray Winstone) pops up and we find that there's an older brother, his proposition (of the title) is if Charlie goes and kills his elder brother, then Mikey won't be executed.

The only bad performance in this, and to be fair it's not really a bad performance, just a really dodgy accent is that of David Wenham, who is a brilliant actor, but just didn't nail the classic 'Brief Encounter' English accent, his native Aussie slipping through.

The Proposition is a nice 99mins long, but at times dragged a little, the sort of film you watch all the way through, enjoy, but every now and again your eyes and mind wander off briefly, not totally gripping, mainly due to the pace I feel. Also although the soundtrack was generally pretty good Mr Cave should've held back on a couple of the songs that seemed a little modern and out of place given the visuals.

All in all tho, a top film, well written, well acted, bring on the next one.


Thursday, July 26, 2007

I, Robot


If you want to make a "bustin' ass" sci-fi blockbuster, add Will Smith... pour example:

Independence Day
Men In Black
Men In Black II
I, Robot
I Am Legend (hopefully)

Whatever your personal thoughts are on each of these movies, you cannot deny that they are indeed "bustin' ass"

I really like I,Robot, this is a rewatch (picked the 2 disc up for THREE POUNDS), which means it can't be all bad! ;)

I don't know how it compares to the original story (or any of the others it was amalgamated from), but as far as a film in it's own right, it's pretty good.

Smith plays the ridiculously named Del Spooner (although not as ridiculous as John Matrix ) a technophobic cop who believes that a robot is responsible for the death of Dr Alfred Lanning and indeed much more odd goings on.

Smith's character does have some interesting depth in this one, unlike the previous sci-fi's of his and his introductory scene hints at a fair bit of subtle acting ability within the Fresh Prince exterior, then we run, shout and shoot things, which is cool.

The CG robots are a bit iffy in places, but they did pretty well and the main thing is it's a highly watchable film, although anyone know the point in Shia LaBeouf in this??

Dayum!

I, Robot - 8/10

The Simpsons Movie


I won't start this with the almost obligatory 'DOH!', I won't sink to that level...DOH! (damn.)

The Simpsons are massive, one of the longest running series on telly, Homer's probably of at least equal fame to Jesus or even Michael Jackson!

A big screen outing for them has been a long time coming ,talked about, rumored, now done. At 87 minutes they keep it at a sensible length...if only it felt like it.
I don't recall any film where I've nearly nodded off in the cinema, not even 102 Dalmations, The Simpsons Movie is just plain boring.

If you've seen the trailers, you've seen nearly all the funny bits, there are a couple more but really only a couple, some of the jokes are, as expected as it happens with all TV-to-movie formats, are directly lifted from the TV show.

The plot is suitably Simpsons-esque, no real deviation from their usual formulas, just making it longer, Homer's mis-judgement results in Springfield being practically destroyed and he needs to rectify it whilst restoring his family's faith in him, you've seen this sort of thing before, but not on this scale.

The animation seems much more Futurama like, lots more use of computers to help with the parallax and faux 3D, but that's just the natural progression of things, however on the subject of Futurama, I got about 3/4 of the way through the film and started wondering how much better a Futurama movie would be, at least they could go full on space epic with it.

The Simpsons has always been one to satirise, that's the point in the programme, and boy to the do it in this, taking, not-so-subtle swipes at the US government every few sentences and a bit of a jab here and there at Al Gore and the environmentalists (band name anyone). And there seems also to be a rather homo-phobic side to the movie, the racism in there is played off, Apu everyone accepts, Lenny makes a comment, Carl retorts and the racism is satirised, however any gay references are just inserted as is and that feels distinctly out of place.
The language in the film also goes up a bit at times, not to South Park levels, but enough for me to reel slightly.

So, I guess then to summarise, The Simpsons Movie was boring and unsettling. Yay. :/

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Man on Fire (2004)


140mins.... TOO LONG! Top Gun was 105, that felt ok, after all it is Top Gun.

This is a remake of a 1987 film, both of which based on a book of the same name. I haven't seen the other or read the book, but I do want to see the original film, partly as it's only 92mins and i want to see how it compares (there are significant differences between the two, the 1987 one being closer to the book).

What was good about this one? Denzel Washington wasn't as annoying as he usually is, he was reasonably good (although please do look out for the trademark lip smacking and tongue in bottom lip), Dakota Fanning wasn't that annoying, although in the special features she comes across as a mature yet smarmy shit of child, stuff blows up in a pretty good way, it's a revenge film, they can be pretty good as it deals with darker issues.

What was bad about it? Radha Mitchell, it's faaar to stylised (watch the extras to see just how over the top they went, whilst still feeling it justified, although I think the DP had his doubts), it's a bit weak, not entirely gripping, one of those films that fall into the category of "it's not quite boring enough to turn off", I think that's down to the length....I feel the need, the... well you know.

NB: and Denzel's not on fire.


Man on Fire (2004) - 6/10

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

V for Vendetta


Hmm, bit dull this, picked it up for £4 (I heartily suggest visiting your local CEX if you have one), which to be fair is about the most I'd pay for it (maybe £5 for a 2 disc edition).
The graphic novel is set in the 90's with the back story in the 80's, the film, back story in the 90's and current time, main story set slightly in the future.
Britain is now a fascist state, ruled over by the High Chancellor and is all very Nazi-esque. V has a lot of pent up aggression and apparently don't look to good, thus dresses in a cape and mask but still feels like something needs to be done about the state of the country.
Script/Story wise, various boxes are ticked to ensure that the government is suitably hateable and that certain points ("MUSLIMS!" "AMERICA'S WAR!") resonate with the viewers.
Well, okay I guess that these and similar things are top of the political agenda at the moment, but in the context of the film it all felt a bit forced and heavy handed. 10/10 for effort on Warner's part in going ahead with a heavily political film (maybe because it's set in Britain is why they let it through their net), but subtlety is clearly not the maker's strong point.
What we're left with is a bit of a mish mash of a political drama and a Warchowski event, all of which is well meaning, but just a bit dull.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

The Fifth Element


Another re-watch and how can you not like this film, full on camp sci-fi + camp Gary Oldman + Bruce Willis + VERY camp Chris Tucker (ok skip that one) + Milla Jovovich in a vest and plastic straps...when she does get dressed that is.

There's evil on the way and the only way to stop it is to get these 4 stones that represent the elements to a temple where they can be combined with the aforementioned Fifth Element to create the evil killing light. On the way Future-Texas-Gary Oldman will try to stop you and so will some heavily armed space cows.

It's ok we have Bruce Willis. "Fuck" say Future-Texas-Gary Oldman and the space cows in unison.

All this with bells on, I love it, it's a great sci-fi, is distinctly European (specifically French) thanks to Luc Besson and cohorts (Leon felt more American for example) but it loses a few points on it not being totally sure whether it wants to be all out camp or not, which confuses the tone a little, that and Chris Tucker, which even Leeloo can't redeem!


The Fifth Element - 7/10

Agitator (Araburu tamashii-tachi)


Had this one sitting in my DVD rack for a while, waiting for me to be in the right mood to watch it, as it's a Japanese yakuza (gangster) movie which I thought was going to be pretty hard going.

It's another from Miike Takashi, who I'm a big fan of and am gradually building up my collection of his works.

It's a twisty twisty crime flick, lots of double crossing mixed with traditional yakuza loyalty and is surprisingly easy to follow. The acting is top notch, with well placed comedic turns to avoid taking itself too seriously.

The only downside really is it's a bit of a slow burn at 150 min (apparently there's a 200 min version!), which was a little testing at times, but the story and characters were strong enough to keep me engaged all the way through.

A solid gangster flick.


Agitator (Araburu tamashii-tachi) - 7/10

Monday, July 09, 2007

Cronos


FINALLY! This completes my Guillermo del Toro feature film education, his debut feature and apparently widely regarded as "One of the finest chillers of the decade. A masterpiece - Mark Kermode", thankyou Dr Kermode and thankyou the DVD's cover sleeve.

The first film of his I saw was Mimic, (which I need to re-watch as it's been a while), then came Blade II - CHEERS! - followed by Hellboy, which after the second viewing.. CHEERS!! So i started thinking, who is this guy?!?

Cue, The Devil's Backbone, followed a bit later by Pan's Labyrinth, and now finally Cronos.

It's the story of Jesús Gris, an elderly antique dealer, and his grand-daughter Aurora. It's also, I think, the most original vampire story I've seen. Most of it's in Spanish, although he chooses not to push Ron Pearlman too much! (I'm wondering now what American or English actor has done the most foreign language films.) Not that this is an issue as i was expecting that, like foreign films and can read.

It's a little slow to start, well it kinda gets into the story reasonably quickly after the initial prologue, but feels slow. (Why am I having to wait for my damn browser to catch up with my typing?!?!?), but apart from that it's along the same sort of pace as both Backbone and Labyrinth, and with a similar tone, although Cronos is essentially a contemporary film by the looks of it (albeit made a few years ago now), i could be wrong about that tho, it could be set a little earlier.)

Anyway, it's a brilliant film, not up to his more recent ones, but that only goes to show how much he's grown and also how good he was to begin with.

Well worth a watch...so?...go..now!

Cronos - 8/10

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

The Illusionist


This has been described as "a poor man's Prestige", I happen to agree.

Like The Prestige, it's a period piece about magic, specifically in this case Eisenheim The Illusionist (Edward Norton), also the name of the short story on which this was based.

It is presented in the manner of Inspector Uhl (Paul Giamatti) giving his report to the Crown Prince (a suitably type-cast Rufus Sewell), thus flashing back in the story, it's essentially a standard plot structure though, eventually catching up with itself. It's a love story at it's heart, using magic as a way to move things forward.

The problem is, it's pretty dull, the tension that should've been there seems absent and an ongoing investigation is neglected in favour of a big reveal (quite easily spotted beforehand). Edward Norton can do better and I'd really like to see a really good vehicle for Paul Giamatti, as it felt like he was being held back throughout this.

The Illusionist - 4/10

Stranger Than Fiction


STOP THE PRESS!!! WILL FERRELL CAN ACT!!

Yes, you heard, he can actually act, to be fair he does a bit of shouting in this, but that's not the staple as it is with most of his stuff, let's put it this way; to get choked up at the end of a Will Ferrell film, there's gotta be something going for it!

At first you think maybe the constant narration is going to be more than a little annoying, but that's not the case, not for me at least, mainly I think because it blends seamlessly with what Harold Crick is doing on screen, rather than the usual VO over montage or non-specific shots that usually crop up when VO is employed.

The "GUI" effects that adorn Harold (Will) throught the first part of the film are well done, lending to the character rather than distracting (and incidentally reminded me of Jack's apartment in Fight Club), Emma Thompson is Emma Thompson, but she's not bad, Dustin Hoffman doesn't even attempt to play an Italian in this one ;) and does a better job.

All in all i really enjoyed Stranger Than Fiction and would heartily recommend it to, well pretty much anyone that's covered by the 12 certificate.

Stranger Than Fiction - 8/10

Saturday, June 30, 2007

4: Rise Of The Silver Surfer


Ho-hum... that pretty much sums up the sequel to the rather entertaining Fantastic Four movie of 2005.

I've never really been an FF fan, didn't really get into the cartoons, never really read the comics, but thoroughly enjoyed the first of these two films, it was funny, energetic, and a good dvd night. cheers. The sequel however, is pretty boring, the best bit's probably in the trailers, the rest of the film, nothing much happens. This, funnily enough, makes the film drag a fair bit.

Mr S. Surfer is underused I feel and definitly not enough internal stuff going on with him. Of course I'm not looking for "Batman Dark" for this, it wouldn't be right, but just a little more depth would be nice.

Some of the same jokes are recycled and it's all a bit of a mish mash.

FF4 1 - Entertaining
FF4 2 - Disappointing :(

4: Rise Of The Silver Surfer - 4/10

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Children Of Men


Everyone kept telling me that this film was amazing, Oscar nominated, directed by Alfonso Cuarón who did a pretty good job of HP3 and apparently some other good films. I was told it's technically brilliant, some revolutionary techniques used for filming certain sequences, lots of nice long takes, blah blah blah.

Well I was intrigued at least, even if it did have Clive Owen in it, which is rarely a good sign. Picked it up on DVD (see how good a movie at home can be) for £8 I think it was, 2 disc, cheers.

The car scene that everyone raves about, justly so, very clever, very well done and dramatically a very good scene. The Bexhill fight near the end, very Saving Private Ryan (as most war-esque scenes are now), but pretty good, could've been a little more tense tho. But overall, a pretty dull film. I was more engaged by the special features telling me how they did the car and cafe shots (ok I'm a geek for special features), but even so, what does that say about the film. Within the first 5 minutes my mind was crying out for them do go hire a Steadicam, ok handheld's the new black but handheld in a scene that's pretty flat, just don't work, it just serves to distract even more, the camera can't add energy to the performance.

Clive Owen wasn't that bad, but then nothing else really rose to much of a level, Chiwetel Ejiofor was better in Serenity and Michael Caine was just Michael Caine...again...amigo.

The rest of the film was technically ok, Cuaron has a pretty good vision, as he's already demonstrated, the production design was pretty much spot on for a dystopian near future I think and there were some nice visual touches in it.

Apart from that, as I say, it was just a bit dull, not as mind-numbingly dull as Wolf Creek mind, but still, the bottom of their school report echoes mine... Could do better.

To console myself, I'm gonna get a sandwich and watch the special features for John Carpenter's The Thing. Cheers.

Children Of Men - 5/10

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Perfume: The Story Of A Murderer


I can't remember what this was a choice between at the video shop, something worse I believe, although Perfume is pretty disappointing.

The story of Jean-Baptiste Grenouille (Ben Whishaw) an orphan born in the slums of (ye olde) Paris with essentially a superhuman sense of smell, he grows up, discovers perfume and decides that he must (after a tragic accident) learn how to preserve scent, in the primary case, of beautiful young women.

That paragraph is a good half the film, mostly with incessant voice over courtesy of John Hurt.
The end of the film is, well, plain ridiculous and the, shall we say, third quarter, basically from the point where Alan Rickman turns up to before it goes all odd, could've made a bloody good film.

The first half, is all backstory, boring, drawn out backstory, with added voice over (not-so) goodness. Dustin Hoffman is quite funny at times, but ultimately his part could've been cut down to a non-sync scene as part of a montage. Mr Rickman does Mr Rickman very well (to the point of both myself and my girlfriend quoting Prince Of Thieves lines whenever he was on screen), but his character is woefully un-explored as is the whole situation in their village/town when all the decent thriller/mystery bits could have happened.

Perfume is set in France, however, no-one is french, the Parisians are London/Cockney (especially cor-blimey-smell-that-Jean-Baptise), the rural people have a distinct West Country accent, apart from Mr Rickman of course, and Dustin Hoffman plays an Italian.... American Italian I'm guessing.

It's never good when you get to the end of a film thinking "that could've been so much better", not even that it was outright toss, that it had untapped potential and every time that happens a kitten dies.

That's it then. Cancel the kitchen scraps for lepers and orphans, no more merciful beheadings, and call off Christmas.

Perfume: The Story Of A Murderer - 4/10

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End


A cocking intermission! The last time I went to the cinema when there was an intermission was when I was a small child, and I went with a friend (Howard fyi) to see a double feature of Disney's The Fox And The Hound and Jungle Book. LORD OF THE RINGS DIDN'T EVEN HAVE AN INTERMISSION IN ANY OF THE THREE (we won't count changing of discs on the SE's).

168 minutes apparently, add to that 25 MINUTES of adverts and trailers, before it starts, 10 minute intermission overall +/- say 2 minutes that's....um...hold on... 205 minutes! 3 hours 25 minutes!!! Went in just before 2, came out around half 5!! for Pirates of the cocking Caribbean!

The 25 minutes of adverts were mostly made up of ones advertising Odeon cinemas and services....I'M IN THE COCKING ODEON YOU DAMN NUTSACKS!

Today is Father's Day, and I had my daughter, she wanted to do something and suggested Pirates 3 at the cinema (she's 9 btw), I though, ok, it'd be nice to have a day out with her (doesn't happen often) and especially on Father's Day. You shouldn't come out of the cinema with pent up aggression, which is essentially what Pirates 3 does to you.

It's toss. It's 3 hours of overloaded, non-descript pirate toss. The whole thing builds up to what what purported to be as the massive action finale, which is large, but by no means massive.

You want CG?? HO HO We got CG, lots of it, plus loads of composited rain and splinters, plus Captain Jack fighting Davy Jones atop one of the masts (not sure on the technical term for the cross bits), at which point I was thinking, it'd look so much better if they did it for real, or at least with wires, but no, you got CGI swashbuckling.

I don't care about any of the characters, Captain Jack is just annoying as everything he does seems pointless, none of the others are really worth giving a shit about (except maybe the monkey), but... my daughter enjoyed it, so she says anyway, there was no "WOW did you see that bit?!?!" or "wasn't that cool!!!???!", I had to actually ask if she enjoyed it or not, to which the response was "Yeah", later there was mention of Captain Jack with his shirt off, I let that go as she's 9 and I don't want to go there!

Flaccid, that's the word that's just sprung to mind for this one. Flaccid.

There's a couple of laughs, some reasonable effects here and there, but overall it just reminded me as to why I never bothered to watch the second one and part way through the battle I was thinking that Master and Commander: On The Far Side Of The World, did a far better job.

Top day with my daughter tho, happy fathers day to me.

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End - 4/10